OH, dalam sekejap ini sudah bulan september

time’s passing by

 

Sekarang sudah tanggal 2 September 2017. Oh okay, tanpa terasa, tanpa disangka, kita sudah hampir di ujung tahun, di akhir tahun. Tanpa terasa, waktu berlalu, dalam sekejap.

Lama tidak menulis, seringnya menulis personal journal, yang tidak seorang pun bisa membaca, terkunci aman dalam sebuah website. Lantas, keinginan menulis muncul sejenak ketika semalam bertemu mama terkasih yang tanpa sengaja menemukan autobiografi saya di tengah tumpukan buku buku lama dan membacanya sampe tuntas. Ah buku autobiografi yang bagian dari sebuah tugas kecil waktu di SMA 70.

My mom loved my writing.

She said I could write some books and I could be a good author
(amen for that)

Some can argue that, well, I could not take that seriously as she said that just because she is my mom that she wants to please me. But, on the other side, I need to trust that more than anyone because she is my mom that she knows me very well than anyone in the world. Fair logic.

Mama membacanya serius, word by word. Well, membaca lambat menjadi hal yang mewah, ya karena pekerjaan menuntut untuk membaca skimming, mencari data yang dibutuhkan saja, mencari angka yang diperlukan saja, dalam waktu sesingkat-singkatnya, well ya karena toh masih banyak pekerjaan menanti.

Many things happened.

Kayak punya mimpi yang sudah lama gak di follow up terus ada yang ingatin lagi. Kayak punya to do list yang kayaknya sudah usang, terus ternyata masih ada kesempatan lagi.

It is one thing to have someone to read your writing. It is another thing to have people REALLY read your writing.

Sudah lama tidak menulis untuk publik. Well, dalam pekerjaan, saya menuliskan rekomendasi saham yang akhirnya disebarluaskan untuk publik. Beda. Satu menulis karena kesenangan satu menulis karena tuntutan.

Saya kadang suka bingung pikiran bekerja terlalu banyak dan jadinya terlalu banyak harus dituliskan, namun si pikiran perfeksionis atawa overthinking menahan jemari untuk mengetik dan menyelesaikan semua.

Okay. Even right now, I have tons of thoughts in mind. Bear with me.

*

Topiknya berputar lagi, dari kesenangan menulis dan mimpi jadi penulis buku. Lalu melihat akhir tahun yang sudah menunggu, lalu berpikir mengenai pencapaian hidup (yang mungkin agak nyambung sama topik nulis menulis), lalu bisa lanjut ke pikiran mengenai mengerjakan sesuatu hingga selesai, bisa lanjut ke overthinking and perfectionists, lanjut ke produktivitas dan tujuan hidup (simpelnya kayak lo udah ngapain aja wooyy, trus lo emang mau kemana sih dalam hidup? yes kayak gitu lah).

It is like I want to write something on this blog. I want to give value to people through my writing. But sometimes (you can say these as excuses) I don’t have time to do that or maybe I have time but I don’t have enough willpower to do that and or I just can’t finish the writing as the ideas are too much, kind of overwhelming, and scattering.

Seperti, well, ya sekarang ini ada dua pertanyaan yang muncul ketika saya mulai memikirkan pencapaian ketika saya menuliskan ini. Ya mungkin karena saya dihantui pemikiran pencapaian akhir tahun.

When’s the last time you did a thing for the first time?

dan satu lagi

When’s the last time you did something until it is finished?

Satu sisi terbeban untuk menjadi adventurous, ingin mengerjakan hal-hal baru.

Ah yeah, millennial things like doing things that scares you. Go to places you never visited before. Build a business that you are proud of. Make some art works that you and people can enjoy. It is kind of dreamy but somewhat and somehow kinda purposeful. HAHAAAAA

Satu sisi lain juga terbeban untuk stay on the track do the same things over and over again. (anyway Musk has a boring company).

Menyelesaikan hal yang masih dalam progress. Atau memaksa beberapa hal untuk mengalami suatu progress, sesuatu yang ada kemajuannya, sesuatu yang bertambah baik, bertambah banyak, bertambah dan terus bertambah.

You can say in terms of money, in terms of recognition, spiritual growth, well, relationship status, or whatever.

**

Bila ini adalah journal personal saya, saya sudah menuliskan double dari yang sudah saya tuliskan. Namun, di sini saya menggunakan backspace untuk menghapus lagi ide yang sedikit berantakan dan tidak beraturan atau mungkin tidak runtut.

Seringkali, journal personal saya itu seperempatnya hanya diisi dengan tulisan keluhan kekesalan atas segala hal.

Hey, you should not speak bad words on your social media dude, you know why? Coz no one would give a damn on it. So it changes nothing. Yeap, I deleted my Instagram. I hate to see bullshit on people’s posts. Say, some have a freaking bad attitude and filled with all those negative emotions, yet some posted cheesy and bright side of em. Yucks.

Lalu, seperempat lagi, setelah emosi sudah tertuang deras dan tuntas, isinya adalah ucapan syukur dan kayak doa gitu sih ya. Well, ya my personal journal is like my personal prayer to GOD. It is like a therapy for me. I thank GOD for so many things. For so many basic things in life. Oh yeah. Praise GOD.

This kind of thing keeps me sane and alive.

Lalu seperempat lagi, isinya what I have learned. I learn a concept better when I have talked about it. Makanya gua suka banget diskusi tentang apa yang baru dipelajari, ini bikin ide jadi nempel di otak. Well, ya karena kadang lumayan susah dapet temen diskusi beginian, at least I can write it down..

And the remaining would be like these, but not limited to, my dreams, my to do lists, my prayer for my loved ones, my ideas, a lot of ideas, my plan, my bible reading, my daily devotional, my personal reflection.

 

***

I want to have it all together. I want to manage all things. I want to do this and this. I expect people to be like this and this and this. I want to succeed in this and this and that and that and all that things. I want to have this and this and that and that.

But, sometimes things did not work out. Sometimes, people did their best but still can not deliver. Sometimes people had a bad day, or week, or month, or even life, and made a terrible decision. Sometimes people are just being themselves.

Sometimes, times are passing but we can not catching up. Sometimes, people are just weary and stressed out. Sometimes we missed the train, missed the expectation, missed the target, missed the shots, lost the game, lost the gain.

Sometimes the rewards gone, while the risks remains. The benefit gone while the cost remains. Sometimes we make mistakes. Sometimes, we don’t understand many things yet we need to cope with it.

Sometimes, we are insane having those kind of expectation towards life, towards people, towards our job, towards our family and loved ones, and even towards ourselves. Sometimes, we can only see the surface or the fact without realizing the truth behind it.

Sometimes we think we can achieve all things, with all the limited capability and time and resources and all the man-made magic we think exists. Sometimes we can, sometimes we can not.

We (or preferably I) want to be a billionaire (without having a silver spoon in our mouth while we were baby), while also thinking at the same time to have a perfect abs, to have perfect and loving relationship with life partner, family, and friends, while also give a perfect added value to society and change the world, to be a perfect role model with all the perfect traits, and also grow in a healthy lifestyle, and also have the ever-growing spirituality in a quickest time possible.

OH GET REAL

** **

Whatever it is, the clock is ticking. We can pause and reflect for a moment, or a minute, or whatever time you need. But we can not pause the time. We can point out fingers to anyone to put the blame on them.

But, the clock is ticking, it is still ticking. Time is still going. We just can not wait until everything reaches the ideal state we wanted, or until we are sane or completely ready.

Sometimes, we just need to embrace all of those junks, be responsible with our own sh*t, keep the blame off people, stay on the right track for a little longer, expect less from people, more grateful of what with have..

..speak good things about and to people, add little (just a little) value to our surroundings, improve little (again just a little) all the broken things we hate and we have. Love more and more the undeserving without asking back.

And the time passed while I am writing this, while you are reading this, while we think about that past, about that upcoming future.

And today is already September 17, we are entering the end of this year quickly, buddy.

Above all the achievements and the failures, the targets and the goals, thank GOD for we are still living.

*** **

I (breathe in) am so blessed in so many things, and
I (breathe out) decide to be content and joyful, no matter what.

*** ***

Cheers,

[SHS 2 sept17]